I’m not a big drinker, in that I rarely drink over 10 units a week. I don’t suffer from hangovers, don’t drink cheap wine full of chemicals etc. But having been totally sober for over 3 weeks now (www.gosober.org.uk – raising money for Macmillan), I’ve noticed something. The few times I’ve thought wow, I could really use a glass of red now, have been because I’ve had a difficult day – could just be over tired and need help to unwind, or because of some stressful phone-call/text/email, or working on something that I have no interest in. I’m not needing to escape reality and get drunk, just smooth the way. But what alcohol does, is it prevents me from sitting quietly and asking myself:
“Okay what’s really wrong? Why are you so upset? Why is it so difficult? Why are you beating yourself up for another poor choice?”
Because I’ve not been drinking, and I have been meditating every day, I keep waking up very early. At first I put this down to busy dreams, but when I laid still in the dark and paid attention, there was actually a faint voice. Not the usual ‘voice in my head’, but another one. This morning at 5am I had a whole discussion with this little voice, who grew stronger as I listened. She asked me what my problems were, and when I told her, she replied:
“You are like a headless chicken rushing around whilst your life force bleeds away.”
“Oh no, that’s quite true,” I thought sadly. And she said:
“Why don’t you just let it all go, and be here with me?”
Now before you think that I must have a ‘not’ drinking problem, let me say that I’ve spoken to this voice before. It’s the voice that tells me what to write when I’m in a state of complete writing focus – totally in the zone. It’s also, surprisingly, the voice of my pre-teen self, I’d say 8 to 10 years. I guess people would give this voice a variety of names – the authentic self, the higher self, divinity. The point is that we all have this voice (I’m assuming lol), but when we don’t listen to it properly it shrinks down and, in some cases I suspect, is extinguished altogether.
So this led me to wonder about the insane duality that’s always raged inside me. I’m a very changeable person, life is huge, there’s so much to do, to learn, to experience, to want, to need, to feel… after all as Walt Whitman said ‘Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes’. I’ve veered like a slalom skier, from wanting desperately to fit into a uniform box, and have a special creed; to revelling in rebellious mayhem.
Perhaps, if I just stop listening to the big, noisy voice who wants everyone to agree with her, who craves perfection, is at turns negative, or hasty – maybe she’ll be the one that shuts up; and the little, delicate voice of truth, will blossom and flourish with her words of love and positivity. Maybe without the headless chicken thing going on, I won’t be quite so conflicted.
With determination in mind, I’m going to prove that I am a little crazy and give these two voices names – so I don’t forget to differentiate. Flouncy Loudmouth please go to the back of the class. Lotus Blossom will you take over please?
I’d love to hear from anyone else who’s encouraging their Little Voice.